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Writ_Rev by slashaholic-666

Awesome Writings by Itachi-Kakashi

beautiful by mazegirl

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Submitted on
October 10, 2009
File Size
1.3 KB


23 (who?)
He is a glutton of sorts, for though he has all he could ever need, he is always wanting more.

It is a strange sensation, this young man, for the more he pursues, the more what he has dwindles, though not strange at all if you think about it.
He loves those that ignore him, and ignores those that love him.
But don’t we all?
If only this young man could see where he stood, and what he was doing,
Perhaps he might hold on to something, for once
But unfortunately, he is not the brightest.

At least that’s what is said.
He is actually quite perceptive, enough so to realize that
The bright do not prosper in friendships
And the kind do not attract attention

So he himself is satisfied with being dull and misunderstood.

Poor little rebel.

Poor little wrecking ball.

His heart is stone, for he is smart enough to talk without connecting, to be loved without loving, and he has figured out how to live life with as little effort as possible.

He has learned to move on when companions realize who he is.

There are enough suckers in the world, after all.
To be loved without loving must be a wonderful skill, though whoever possesses it must have a terrible burden..

Dear Wrecking Ball:

We all know by now you can move on.

It would just be glorious if you could stand still.

:iconthewrittenrevolution: Feedback: How well does this flow? Does it seem too forced, too figurative? Any other feedback would be great as well.
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This is a really, really cool piece of writing. It grabs my mind because of how unique it is. I even love the title "poor little wrecking ball" is an extremely creative string of words, not to mention a very cool description of the boy. Even the layout of your writing is interesting. It's not a poem, but it's not quite prose either. Very good work.

The first sentence is great. Obviously you understand the meaning of the word "glutton" perfectly, and manipulate it to not just be about food. I don't really like the image of a "glutton" but you know what, that's perfect. This character is as far from a Mary Sue as you can get.

I originally pictured him to be younger than a "young man," but it does make sense that he would have matured in order to reach this level of awareness. The "though not strange at all if you think about it" is a bit iffy grammatically. It's a bit risky to contradict yourself in one sentence, but not altogether a bad thing. I tried it with brackets and it doesn't really look that good to me, anyway. The next two sentences are really good.

The thought of "If only this young man..." is spectacular, but it needs to be reworded a bit. I think "hold on to something" should be "try to hold on to someone." I was taken aback when I read the "he is not the brightest" but then I realized that you say "At least that's what is said." Good idea, but it seems broken up by the empty line. Maybe put that line underneath in brackets, and then skip a line(?).

The next four lines are excellent. Really striking. (And then I scroll down.) And it gets even better! I love the "Poor little..." – wow, what a great portrayal. It just makes me shiver!

I don't think "smart" feels right. It's not the best descriptive word in the language, in my opinion. Try "clever" or something a bit more in-depth. Same thing with "figured out" – maybe "discovered" or "decided to." Apart from those words, that sentence is great.

The next sentence is a bit cryptic. It makes him sound like a prince in disguise or something. Unless that's what you were intending, I think "He has learned to move on when he gets too close" would work better.

The last sentence seems to be way too simple of a way to end this. For one, "suckers" is .. meh. But I really like the idea you previously built up, so continue with that if you want. Like "He pretends to fall in love and cuts her heart when he gets the chance. He cuts himself free. (new line) And laughs at the pain." And then another "Poor little..." to end it, if you can think of one.
That would be so excellent.

I'm actually really envious of you for writing this. I mean, I said before how incredibly unique it is, and I wasn't exaggerating. This is a very high level of creativity, and I only sometimes create something with this calibre. Keep writing new ideas like this, it is so worth it. :thumbsup:
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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Leeyunpark Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2010
A descriptive form of a subtly emotional piece of work! Brilliant!
oldforgegirl Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2010
Thanks very much! :3
HtBlack Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2009

I feel this flows well, and like that you put it in "Satire". :) Very fitting category.
We all know someone like that, I just hope there is none that I haven't noticed between my friends.
Nice work :clap: Prose-like, but it flows well.
oldforgegirl Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2009
Thank you very much for reading and critiquing this. :heart: :hug:
And I agree with that about someone like that. >.>
HtBlack Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2010
You're welcome, I liked it. :)

Happy new year.
oldforgegirl Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2010
Happy New Year to you too :D
soft-grain Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2009

It doesn't seem forced or too figurative. I think it is quite straightforward and open. It did seem to start off a little slow and then pick up pace, but that isn't a bad thing.

The line "At least that's what is said", I thought was going to say 'At least that's what she said'. Damn popular culture. I think if you changed it to 'At least that's what they say' it would feel less awkward.

And for some reason, the ending felt like the end of a Twilight Zone episode.
oldforgegirl Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2009
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and critique this ^^ I appreciate it.

LOL. I thought you were going to say that's what I accidently wrote. Heheh I agree though.
openhandedsmiles Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2009   Writer
I love it! I know people like this, and it wasn't until now that I truly got how some of them don't simply act that way on accident; it's hardwired into the brain.

There are too few prose writers with such a comfortable flow of words in this :iconthewrittenrevolution:
oldforgegirl Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2009
Oh thank you very much >w<
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